Beauty for Ashes

Beauty for Ashes

How many of us both men and women but specifically women have ever been on the receiving end of rejection? All of us right? Well, for me I have dealt with this for many, many years and the remedy that helped me to heal from failed relationships is Jesus. Popular culture has made Jesus so corny and it may sound cliché and haven’t we all heard that Jesus heals all things but truthfully he really does. We spend so much of our time and energy on quick fixes to fill voids and mask pain and sorrow that can only be resolved supernaturally.

Many of us are prodigals and even more of us are “women by the well”. We have been vainly seeking everything to water us but the Holy Spirit. Money can’t cure our hearts or serve as fulfillment. It is simply a tool. People will always let you down and though God can use these people to aid in our happiness they are flawed and were never intended to be our source. Sex, drugs, gambling, porn, and masturbation won’t do it either because it only complicates our already complex spiritual conditions. I am not saying this as an observer, but as one with the experience to say that these things are fruitless endeavors because I’ve tried them all. It was only gracefully by God that he snatched me out of a pit of earthly hell and let me live to tell about it.

Being real, I appreciate my wilderness seasons even though it has lasted a long time. I had to get a lot of me out of the way so that God could rid me of all my prideful junk. Some people in ministry won’t admit that they were ever involved in such darkness, but this is not that kind of ministry. We started from the bottom and now we’re here. I can recall getting “cute” and going out and not a single soul said one word to me the whole night. Honestly, I felt a way about it but I can’t tell you why because I was terrified of relationships. I knew I wanted the attention but I wasn’t really clear on what I genuinely would do with an intentional person besides run. All the hours I spent burning out my weaves and shaping my eyebrows and not one person approached me when I looked my best. Then there were times when I didn’t try at all and everyone shot their shot. After getting done wrong a few times while being my “perceived best” at some point I became aware that as women at our best we were disposable and I began to feel resentment towards men.

As the enemy introduced counterfeit after counterfeit, I became overwhelmed with options and I entertained them all. After men had juggled me and multiple women enough times I caught on to the game and young at that. What had once been used as a tool against me became my expertise. I thought that by entertaining multiple prospects it would be a foolproof way of preventing a potential heartache. I became so good at playing the field that I, who was once a hopeless romantic and always on the receiving end of foolery, no longer even desired a real relationship. Since I was leading myself at this point and never asked God any questions I became the toxic person I used to date. Pleasantly crushing souls little by little.

Looking back I was a monster and an unassuming one at that. They never saw it coming and when I saw their ill intentions I was up for the rollercoaster ride and it only strengthened the beast in me. I was really good at finessing the same kinds of men who had once torn my heart to shreds. I became unnaturally ambitious in life to succeed and it consumed me. My success was also just a tool for me, more like a good resume and I never received any satisfaction from that either. I did not realize at the time that I was being used by the enemy to instill the same affliction that I was once so accustomed to. I was very busy being unsatisfied.

I firmly believed that if I did not commit myself to anyone and was openly uncommitted what harm was done if I was honestly unavailable. My ideology was that one sex partner per however long our season was my reasonable service but it wasn’t because I was expressing loyalty or morality for that matter but because I watched a lot of Maury and not knowing who your baby’s daddy is was tacky and a “bad look”. I was selfish and baby would interfere with my goals. I did not understand that I was painting my face in vain, using all the tools and devices to seduce and manipulate the manipulators. I had good things going for myself on paper and the tangible things as well. I had the desired look but I never got my desired result. In fact, I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. Though out of my mouth I discussed deeper things, in my heart I was too afraid to be vulnerable and all I attracted was what was equally yoked to me and I had the audacity to complain about it. My lovers loved me and hated me for it and I found myself in several rounds of who can hurt who the most. It was a sick sadistic way to experience romance.

It was only after asking God what my purpose was after a random night of crying from emotional exhaustion leaving a Chicago lounge did I realized that these things were equally as toxic for me and those I was involved with and I realized I cared about that. Somewhere deep inside of me felt the empathy that I had evaded to feel. I began to feel human and repented in engaging in activities and as well as the actions that displayed an individual walking around with a heart of stone. Little by little did the Most High chisel away at the stoney parts of me and gave me a heart of flesh in return. I found myself unexpectedly a humbled, celibate, single mother who was on fire for God. No longer was I enslaved by porn, fornication, alcohol, or anything else that ate away at my soul. I am far removed from these things and I don’t miss them. The peace of knowing that I am validated by God and through all of the ugliness he never rejected me is priceless. There is no real rejection when you wait on God’s best for you. I have been in a low place inside and made it my home for a while. The next time you go to seek to be watered from a dry well know that Jesus will meet you where you are and give you beauty for ashes. The water he has will quench a thirst that after His encounter you will never experience thirst again.

2 comments on “Beauty for Ashes

  1. Ari Ward says:

    Love this. Thank you for sharing

  2. Bianca says:

    This was a word!!! We never realize how distracted we become by life and nurse that pain. Ultimately making things worse….oh there is freedom in Jesus

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