There was something I had buried in the furthest corner of my mind. I look back and wonder how something this big could even be hidden, but somehow it could, for years, decades even but its effects always reminded me that it was still there and would never go away. Even if no one had a window into my mind, its presence was so loud no matter where I was or what I was doing I would always hear it. It didn’t matter the moment, my memory fought the hardest for my attention, but no matter how hard I battled against it, my memory always overtook me.
I find that as much as we may have enemies in our lives, sometimes our biggest enemies are our memories. When I found it would not leave my mind, sometimes I would leave and escapism was my go to method in the battle against my memory. In the collection I had accumulated, I found that over time I had successfully blocked them out, and the remnant of what was left to memory was reduced to just one thing I could not bury…. 10. Sounds odd, a number? It’s just a number, how could a number hold so much weight? How could a number induce so much grief, so much anger, so much hatred and so much pain? How could a number be so threatening to where I didn’t want to live because of it? Each of those little numbers, each one that contributed to 10, were larger than life for me because that’s what they were, lives. Little lives that I didn’t think I could make it with in this world. Little lives that I would need one day and little lives that would grow to big lives that could impact the world one day with purpose, but by the hand of their own mother they would never carry this out. Ten times did I allow my mothers words to never bring children in her house to be a louder voice than my own conscious. Ten times did I allow what my boyfriend said to hold more value than the holy spirit. Ten times when all birth control methods failed did I not consider that they were destined. Ten times did I not chose life because I could not afford them. Ten times did I think that this man loved me because he helped me pay for it.
One of those ten times that I consented to sacrifice my child in what the doctor called a medical procedure, I saw a flash of white light and heard a loud scream, but somehow I was capable of telling myself it was just my imagination. But we all know better. One day, I heard a voice whisper in my ear and though it was still, managed to be louder than my memory. I found myself pregnant again, but the voice told me not to call the doctor to make an appointment or make an appointment with the clinic, but to wait. It guided me to wait so long that I was past the window for “medical procedures” .
As time went on that voice guided me through the entire pregnancy. My reality was very little money, while living with the same disgruntled mother who said never bring a baby in her house. and a lot of book reading. Despite of all of that my pregnancy was pleasant, however that boyfriend that claimed we were so in love was perfectly fine with me raising his daughter without him. She was our ninth pregnancy and both our first child but it didn’t phase him and ultimately I left the guy alone when he did not accept her.I had been blessed with outward beauty, but inward I had the lowest self esteem and self hatred and now heavy guilt so if there were a benefit to beauty my confidence didn’t let me experience it. All I saw when I looked at my daughter was that I killed her siblings and made her an only child. I tried so hard to make amends, finding a church home, begging The Most High to forgive me and at some point he assured me that He did. However, I could not forgive myself. My spirit was so low, my posture was bad, I walked with my head down, but I managed to lift it up when I went to the clubs. Then came this other persona, someone I didn’t really recognize got in: the pretend, confident, beautiful, haughty, super-model. My clothes, hair, nails, always perfect, I was fake before the fake of now was in style. But when I took that mask off, I was praying all week long, until I took it upon myself to look for a husband in the CLUBS on the weekend! I was racking up mistakes. Even after all that I just said, there were two more trips to the clinic, while my heart was left at home, in the shell of a little girl. My thoughts were “don’t worry, momma’s gonna fix this” As if I in my own capacity could fix what I had done and was still doing. I finally realized that method was wrong too!
One night my prayer partner and I were at our usual hangout and she turned and said, you know you don’t belong here, don’t you? I think it was so impactful because she didn’t either but I guess it was just my time to abandon my lifestyle. I realized my happiness could not be found there. I looked up and years had passed. I prayed and prayed for TMH to forgive me, I felt I forgave my ex, my mother and many other people for a bunch of crazy things they did to me and my child, but there was still weight on me that surpassed the already unbearable load of single-parenthood. I realized I had forgiven everyone, except for myself. If all those who had wronged me were worthy of forgiveness, why didn’t I believe I was? So I prayed for TMH to forgive me for all those abortions that were squandered Gifts from my FATHER in heaven, to me! Outside of my self condemnation I found that I was not taking accountability for my actions. I blamed everyone else for it, my Mother, my ex, the White man, and circumstances really anything else but me. Though I felt bad I did this, I told myself that without their input I would have went through with it but at some point I wasn’t sure if that were true. Inside I knew it was me who did this, Me, and even with that revelation I was still assured by God I had been forgiven. But the guilt that it caused made me doubt my confidence even in parenting.
One day as I questioned why my now adult child was experiencing so many struggles some of mine that she repeated. I heard the Most High say that I had removed her help when I took her siblings. Then I understood what was meant that the sins of the parents fall upon their children. Once I decided to drop my pride and the fascade I had created, I with hesitancy confessed my 10 to her and I was shocked how freeing that was and that very easily she forgave me. Through my continued prayers, I could hear but I was not listening, then one day I heard Him, clearly say “ I forgave you a long time ago, it is time for you to forgive yourself….and after all of that I finally did.
I’m here to say HE loves us. To remind you that He created us exactly the way HE wanted us to be. That boyfriend, the mother or any other who falls short even if they truly do love you cannot compare to the supernatural Love that comes from our Creator. He is not a man that he can be unfaithful, He is not bound in his provisions as man is. He is not void of perfection to where his gifts are flawed, and understand that every single one would be exactly what you both need. If you have done this and are struggling with forgiving yourself don’t delay repentance. He said go and sin no more and if his people would confess their sins he is faithful to heal their lands. 2 Chronicles 7:14.